Wow. I cannot believe it is 2012. It's pretty amazing. I am 26 years old, at my sister's apartment in Madison, lounging around being a lazy bum and watching Step Brothers on FX. And I love it.
It is so nice to completely just waste a day. Of course, part of this wasting of the day is due to being slightly hung over/tired from the festivities of the evening prior. BUT it just feels so good to just do nothing and not worry about anything. Well, I still worry about things, but I love just having nothing to do. Soon enough, I will get tired of this and start itching to do something with my life. But for right now, in this moment, I'm loving doing nothing.
So the past 10 days have been nice. After 3 terms of being immersed in school, meeting new people, taking advantage of every networking opportunity, make lists of things that need to be done each day, working out, and trying to fit in a social life ---needless to say, it has been quite stressful. But I do enjoy being busy - less time for thinking. Sometimes I like not thinking because then I can forget anything bad that I've done, or a time I felt stupid. You know, those moments where you wish that you can just turn back time. How do people usually deal with that? If there is one thing I know for sure -- everyone is different, so everyone has their own way with dealing with things. I am not even sure how I do? Prayer?
So I know I've been all over the place the last few posts. But like I said, I've had a lot of time to think, and there are a LOT of things on my mind. Right now, I'd like to reflect a little bit on my life, and consider the things that I hope to work on this year. I know it is a bit cliche -- but I think it will be helpful.
So the theme that I see arising is == "CONTROL". I think I have lived too long thinking that life is just what is handed to you, and there isn't much else you can do than beyond what you think you can do. I am not sure if that makes sense. But I guess I have set these goals for myself that i think is as far as I can go -- but then I don't push the limits. Therefore, I want to take CONTROL of my life. I want to feel like the things that I am working for, contributing to, learning, experiencing are things that I have decided that I want to do -- I want to take more control of my LIFE.
1. Stop comparing myself to others and their accomplishments. This is one of the hardest things that I have been dealing with going to a school like JHSPH. I feel honored and grateful that I am given the opportunity to attend this prestigious school with such amazing classmates, but of course, I have self-confidence issues about what I can contribute to the class. I need to stop comparing myself to others, and rather, focus on what I can learn and how I can grow through my experiences with people. I should also focus on what my goals are for myself and what I want to gain from being at JHSPH.
2. Bring back my faith. I used to be a lot closer to God way back when -- especially in high school, when I thought things were "so bad". I don't want the only reason I go to God to be because things are hard. I want to make more of an effort to have Him in my life. The other day, I went through my old high school yearbook and read a few "signatures" from classmates. One classmate wrote about how I helped him grow and understand his own faith. There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that you helped someone. It is almost addicting. Reading that made me realize how strong my faith was back then. And it just seems to fit the way I came about my faith because it is the only way I would have gotten there. I still have my doubt at times, but I think this is normal. I do try to talk to Him when I can, but I want to make an effort to have Him be more a part of my every day life. I think it will make me happy.
3. Stop worrying so much about FOOD. I don't know how this started. I guess, every girl has weight issues. But it is getting ridiculous. I think part worrying about food got escalated because I knew it was happening. I definitely still want to eat better and continue to exercise, but I don't want to do these things for the wrong reasons. Plus, it is getting quite exhausting.
4. RESPECT myself. I need to have more respect for myself and my own body. I think I need to think of myself and my body as something special, and not just something that any guy can have. I think you know where this is going. I think I need to be old-fashioned, and not give into any guy because I think he's cute and I'm "in the mood". This will be hard for me to do, but I think I need to cleanse myself and any form of negativity. I mean, I have fun, BUT there is always a little part of me that wishes I could just abstain. So I am going to try and abstain, and just wait for the right guy to share these moments with.....
5. Try my DAMNEDEST to get overseas. I still have not left the North American continent. I can definitely say that hearing about the experiences of my classmates (and being jealous of these experiences) has persuaded me to want to spend some time overseas. It does not have to be for years, but I feel that I want to have some kind of experience overseas. I also feel that if I do not do it NOW, I will not get another opportunity to have this experience for an extended amount of time. But that is also something that I am struggling with. A classmate recently posted this blog type thing where it had pictures of different students who studied in Africa in their respective locations. The series of pictures suggested that students go abroad to "have this experience" because it is "cool" or something. For me, I know I want this experience because I almost feel like I am not a real "public health" student/professional if I do not have this experience -- too see how life is overseas, "on the other side" -- so see how it is NOT in the United States. I know that we are about a million, trillion, maybe even infinity times luckier to have been born in the States, but do I really understand? I want to help people here, in the United States, but I almost feel like I need this experience to do it well. BUT is this TOO SELFISH of a reason to want to go? Just to do my job better. I do not want to go overseas, and just sort of take a life-changing event, but not give anything back. Yeah, I could potentially use the experience to give back here -- but I want to do something that will have a lasting impact there. Is this too much too ask???
6. COURAGE. This is part of number 5. Lupus. That is definitely a barrier in my going overseas. I will need to spend a lot of time figuring out how to make this experience possible. I'd like to get a job (over volunteering) - so I'd have to find an employer to take a chance on me. I also have to find a way to continue with "treatment". Hmm...I pretty much need to be as healthy as possible to go. Does this mean I should stop drinking? That will be so hard because a LOT of the social activities at school are drinking activities. Maybe this will be my chance to CHANGE. I like drinking though, it is fun. But do I need it? How badly do I want to go overseas? Can I have fun without drinking? If the answer is NO. Then I'm fucked. I don't want to be fucked. So maybe that is it. I need to stop drinking. God help me! I hope I can do this. I think it will make things so much better too, right? No more hang overs!! Hmm...how badly do I want to go -- I guess that is the true question.
So wow. I am asking a LOT of myself, but I need to at least try, right??
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