wannabe

I guess I've always been a wannabe.

That makes it rough because I don't really know what I really want. I sound like a complete moron. Or maybe a high school emotional type. It sucks though - to think you know, then you don't. That always gets me in trouble. I used to think that the "thing" about me that made me "me" was that I way always able to tell people what's on my mind, how I really feel, and just be real about it.

Like food tasting good.

Feeling cold.

Not comfortable.

Didn't like a movie.

Or at least, either I will say what is on my mind, or completely just not say anything at all.

It's really scary thinking that what you think you know about yourself, isn't yourself 10 years from now, just because you experience a thing called life.

For example, in high school. I was 100% all about being pro-life, and absolutely hated people who were not. And I was very vocal about it, and everyone knew it. I can tell you right now, I was 100% sure that this is how I feel and that I will never change. But then I grew up. Then I started having sex. And then I understood what it meant for a woman to want it make it her decision. Life changed me. Although, to this day, I do not know if I would be able to do it, but I understand why it should be a woman's decision now.

And that is why I don't believe in marriage. Or that anyone should make a vow to another person that they will always be with that person forever. But then I look at my parents, my sister who just got engaged, and I realize that for some people that works. So I guess for me, if I ever find that person that I feel forever with -- I think I may make those vows, but with the caveat and understanding that if we change, if I change, if he changes, that it is understood that maybe I will not love that person 10 years from now because they are not that same person I fell in love with 10 years ago.

I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place. I used to write a lot more about how I was feeling about things so that they sort of make sense. I want to start writing more.

Really, there are a few things that I want to specifically write about, and maybe poem about. Some things have been on my mind that I want to get down, but haven't really sat down to do it. So here are some thoughts, and beginnings...

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I am a bitch

yes, this is that poem written by that girl who just wants to say whatever is on her mind so that she can go to sleep without that guilt

I know I've said things that I shouldn't have

Things that hurt

How easily it could have been prevented if I would have just thought for a moment.

But I didnt.

To the girl who's getting married

Girls night out, drinks in hand,

Around the room sharing stories, thoughts, and views

Pianist at a picnic

Grudge at CVS

Maybe I should've just shut up for a second.

So the next time some acts like ab bitch to you, remember that you have been a bitch too.

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Other thoughts -- doing what you want to do -- life is once.

If it makes you have to have that security, then live that life.

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Running for those who cannot run.

5 minutes.

There are moments that I hope to never forget.

Those moments that change you.

Sometimes these are the moments that hurt you the most, scare you the most.

But those are the moments that make you, you.

What's my fear?

Why does it have to be so hard?

Every morning.

Brushing my hair and seeing the strands. Worried that

Checking my body for every new flash of something that wasn't there before.

But I only let myself feel sorry for myself for -- 5 minutes.

So I get to cry.

I get to feel badly.

I get to hate the world, hate God.

I get to wish that my life was different.

I have that right, right?

Yes.

I will only let myself cry.

Let myself feel badly.

Let myself hat the world, hate God.

Let myself wish that my life was different.

But only for 5 minutes.

Then I wake up.

Open my eyes.

See the world as what I have.

Thank God for what I have.

Damn, I can do so many things.

I can still walk.

I can run.

I can feel.

Eat.

Pray.

Sleep.

So I'll take the pain.

I'll take the fear.

I'll take whatever I was meant to take.

And if I ever feel bad again.

I will let myself feel, but only for 5 minutes.

inside my own thoughts

hello again.

yet, almost another year has gone by. a lot has changed.

i moved to Baltimore, MD.

i am attending the number one Public Health school in the United States

i finally feel like i'm going after my dreams

even so, i still get frustrated with classes and work

i broke up with my boyfriend, well, he broke up with me

i still talk to my ex from college

i spend my 1st birthday in Baltimore, alone.

you know, i was not really all that sad to spend my birthday alone. in fact, i wanted to spend my birthday alone. i wanted to go shopping, get a nice dinner, and watch a couple of good movies. i didnt get to go shopping, my car didn't start, i had to wait for my food, the weather sucked, the movies i got were "okay", i forgot i wanted frosting on my cake, so i got an "okay" brownie rocky road thing.

yeah, that was my birthday, but there is so much that i am happy about. i can walk, i can read, i can hear, i am earning my Masters, i got into freckin Johns Hopkins, i have close friends, a loving family, and people who care about me, i have it all really. i just keep going in circles forgetting that.

things are hard here. and i miss Brian. i still do not think that we were meant to be. really, there are so many "personality" things that just didn't seem to fit or mesh well with us. but i had fun with him, i liked hugging him, and he was my friend. i really do consider him a good friend of mine, and now it is just weird b/c i still have these old feelings for him. i dont know if i ever really wanted to marry him or anything, but i guess, what i wanted was someone to fight for me, to love me, and want me, and want to take care of me. i dont think he ever really felt that. he is really sweet, and an amazing boyfirend, who did take care of me, but i think because he thought he had to. it was the moment when i allowed him to not be my boyfriend that he realized he didnt want to be. it didnt even take him 4 days to think about it. he just knew that was what he needed to do. i guess i am being selfish here. he really did need to do it. he really did need to be on his own. but i guess it just hurts that he did not need me. i guess that is what bothers me so much. i guess i really just miss someone having the obligation to care about me, to call me, to check up on me. i think i would hate myself if i kept him from doing what he needed. i guess, i just want someone to need me.

my brain has been weird lately. i just dont know where i stand or who i am or what i am doing somethings. i think i am in my head too much. but i dont really know what to do about it. i thought maybe writing in this will help get some of that out. now i'm just tired. i've been tired a lot lately, and my body is sore. probably becasue the chagne in weather.

oh, my flat warts has gotten better. has not spread, and mostly cleared. so i am happy about that.

i want to be happy.

i want to know and feel good about life.

yoga?

mediation?

i just need a sense of spiritality.

i think i lost my soul.

wait, that sounds too depressing.. i guess my soul, but the thing about me that was care-free and excited about life.

i want that back!

how to get it?

volunteer??

talk to people?

smile more?

maybe try yoga...